andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Screw you, space between my driver's seat and center console that's just the right size to accommodate every thing except my hand.

   The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

   red sky at morning, sailors take warning, sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight

   First date tip: to add an air of mystery, whisper "she suspects nothing" into your wristwatch

   i do not like green eggs&ham I do not like them will.i.am woud you eat them in my trunk woud you eat them off my hump my hump my humps

   a pessimist sees the glass half empty. a possumist sees the glass as a giant possum. sometimes jokes don't make much sense.

   FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!

   Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill

   Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions

   just read that drug sniffing dogs get treats when they find drugs. we're just creating more addicts, you guys

   Returned every single Christmas gift today. Even handmade ones from my kids

   Basically the way it works is I tell myself I'm not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.

   If John Cusack ever said I did something I didn't do, I'd say "Take it easy, John Accusack!" and then I'd saunter off.

   Nobody can MAKE the Yuletide gay. It's not a choice. That's how it was born.

   If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

   Quick question: Is it okay if I actually like people I sometimes disagree with? Just wanted to check since I don't see it very often anymore

   I always know what my childhood friends are doing these days, thanks to the user-friendly county mugshot database.

   Starting a Book Club. First rule of Book Club: read Fight Club.

   My high-school was a magnet school. All the girls were repelled by me.