Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Protip: Never mess with a man who leaves foam in a urinal.

   that a bottle of Prozac in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?

   Get laser hair removal they said, the technician won't torch your grundle they said.

   My voting ballot is just an adult coloring book.

   "What kind of a sick freak would have a painting of a postman being sodomised by a donkey?"... "That's a Rorschach ink blot test.".... "Ummm, a what?"

   "Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.

   My new wife earned a thunderous round of applause at the reception when she described her wedding vows as "taking one for the team"

   Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....

   So far in this election cycle,,, If Aliens ARE watching us,, it's safe to say they think we are retarded.

   Survival Tip: if your wife cooks up "a mess of bacon" and puts it in the fridge, she has a plan. Do not make yourself an epic sandwich.

   Ummm,,, So when you see a gift horse... Where exactly should you be looking???

   If Nutella & marshmallow fluff made sweet sweet love & had a baby,,, I would eat that baby.. The End.

   If a girl pulls out a knife on you during a fight, pull out some bread & mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in & she'll make you a sandwich

   [At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record?... Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette... *hires me instantly

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   I don't like who I am at buffets.

   I typed hahahahahaha,,, and it got autocorrected to hahaha and I was like,, "yeah, you're probably right"

   4: Mommy, where do babies come from?..... Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much...

   Looks at growing laundry piles *Deep sigh... Kids , we're nudists now

   I just had a small salad with a side of carrots for lunch and now I know why women are so horrible to each other.