Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.

   I have never driven over a bridge and not thought it was about to collapse.

   Just had a monster workout. (Bench pressed with Frankenstein then ran a 5K with an goblin.)

   why is it the guy who has to pass you, suddenly acts like an 80yr old looking for an address when he's in front of you?

   I wish I was as nice to everyone as I am when I leave phone messages for complete strangers.

   Just heard about a new hangover cure -- Not drinking the night before. Does this work?

   Do Canadians call regular bacon "American Ham"?

   If I knew then what I know now, there's no way I would have passed high school algebra.

   Happy Ugly Father's day tie, day!

   Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   Just woke my kids up and told them, “It's Father's Day! Where's my present?” They just started crying.

   I got 98.988 problems and rounding up is one of them.

   A handprint in clay is a great Father's Day gift from a three year old. Kinda creepy from a thirty year old, though.

   How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

   I hope you were all good little boys and girls and Betsy Ross brought you all presents. Happy Flag Day to us all.

   Can we apply the first rule of Fight Club to everything and maybe you just don't talk?

   I'm wearing one of those Chippendale bowties to make people wonder if my clothes are breakaway.

   Every time I hear Europe's "Final Countdown" I'm expecting Gob Bluth to appear and do a little magic

   I don't mean to brag, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update