Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We used to be young and carefree, and now we have a favorite cashier at the grocery store.

   Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

   Another Monday. Aw, man. I don't know if I can do this. (Just practicing.)

   How to save money on snacks at a theater: Have the self-discipline to sit still for an hour and a half without eating.

   I hate it when women paint a bunch of FAKE on their face, just to look more unattractive than before.

   It is time to stop accepting the things we cannot change and start changing the things we cannot accept.

   Why is our party trying to enforce child marriages? I'm all in for owning the other side, but not like this.

   The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 15 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

   I Just found out that being a "person of interest" is not as cool as it sounds.

   Every time I almost think humanity is going to be okay, I catch a glimpse of Amazon reviews...

   Not a cloud in the sky. It's a dry hump day.

   Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho. It's off to work I go. I'll make some shills to pay my bills, Heigh-ho Heigh-ho.

   Although he was not a biologist, Roy Orbison was still able to write "Pretty Woman."

   “The cemetery is full of people who thought they could change themselves tomorrow.”

   Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho! It's off to sleep I go. I'll crawl in bed and rest my head. Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho!

   For Halloween, I think I'm going to dress up as Dumbledore or some other kind of grand wizard.

   The difference between fiction novels and the Bible, is that the authors of fiction novels acknowledge it's fiction.

   Cigarette warning: Governments are bad for your health...

   Hate your job? No problem! There's a support group for that... at the bar!

   Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.