Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best response is always followed by a saucy wink.

   Kamala chases more balls than a puppy.

   Joe looks like Nancy’s vagina.

   If I say I’ll be there in a few minutes, stop calling me every hour.

   Clicked on a strange message and now it burns when I pee.

   If you hear a woman scream in the dressing room, it’s because they found my hidden camera.

   My walls are full of cotton candy!

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm.

   DC Comics introduced its first-ever transgender character. The character is called "Wonder If It's a Woman."

   FACT: The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions.

   A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."

   If I ever start a band, I'm going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you're listening to.

   I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.

   Well I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.

   When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

   The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

   If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

   it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

   I cheated on my husband twice, now I want to lecture you about family values.

   Why isn't anyone using the "Truth social" media platform?