Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was fighting with my wife when she said..."Your family isn't even human! They're more like a venereal disease!" I told her, "You better not say that to my sis, Phyllis!!

   Chaz Bono should be a weatherman. He is after all partly sonny. sorry I had to Cher.

   What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

   I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

   Just because you have a beard doesn’t mean you’re a man, vaginas can grow hair too.

   You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.

   Friendship is being there when someone is feeling low and not being afraid to kick them.

   I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.

   What do you call a guy that never farts in public? A private tutor.

   What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.

   What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.

   Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

   Always be nice to people that have access to your toothbrush.

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   Opening a gym that teaches power walking and door knocking. Gonna call it Jehova’s Fitness.

   Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, Please do not go in that bathroom.

   That first kiss in the morning is so special, and my dog enjoys it too.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. He's been divorced 3 times..Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his damn rod.

   I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there's now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

   I'm cleaning house and thinking that I need a car that runs on dog hair.