Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The British are coming, put up your gun free zone signs and run to the safe spaces.

   You know what horror game enemies need? Big boobs. I mean a real set of badonkers, that would be frightening.

   If you get bit by a shark, bite it back. You’re probably still gonna die, but the shark will be like, lol wtf?

   Grown men who call their parents mommy and daddy can kill you with their bare hands and won’t even say a cuss word while they’re doing it.

   In a thousand or so years, archaeologists are going to dig up tanning beds and think we cooked people as punishment.

   There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.

   Chickens: The only animals you eat before they're born AND after they're dead.

   The self checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.

   Can Chloroform really knock someone out instantly like in the movies? Asking for a friend.

   I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. Then he met a man who had no legs. Then he met a man who had no brain. And that ended right there with Joe Biden.

   When you’re about as useless as the “g” in lasagna.

   That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nike’s, but you still can’t do it.

   I follow the call of the disco ball.

   Are you suffering from a lack of vitamin me?

   Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a new bra size.

   You don’t need drugs to get high when you’ve got a 42-foot articulated bucket truck.

   Innocent child dies horrifically. Oompa Loompas: Time for a song and dance.

   Don’t forget to feed your girlfriend every couple of hours or it gets cranky.