flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Got a headache from looking at all the options of headache relief.

   I would pay good money for a painting of Snoop Dogg and Dog the Bounty Hunter playing poker.

   It's so easy to criticize. Seriously, it's awesome how easy it is.

   Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.

   I've spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn't rhyme with good.

   The imaginary enemy of my enemy is my imaginary friend.

   As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee

   Your restaurant's policy regarding how the wait staff behaves when it's a customer's birthday tells me whether or not I'll ever eat there again

   the glass half full or half empty? Mine is cracked and leaking valuable water.

   I let the dog out. I do so about a dozen times a day. I see no need for a three and a half minute song about it.

   The people who need firecracker safety tips aren't the people who read firecracker safety tips.

   Keep an eye on people who always remain calm & collected. It's always a pretty fun scene when they finally have their inevitable breakdown.

   I bet vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots

   Can't believe it's almost Christmas in July

   I always remember our time together. That's why I'm getting a lobotomy.

   When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend who ditched me for his own imaginary friend.

   i'm really good at walking along, minding my own business and then having something happen

   why don't they just open a separate school for kids that don't have a peanut allergy?

   If you're the type of person who says "surprise me" to your waiter, then, Surprise! Your waiter hates you!

   You know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.