StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I always hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van...

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

   Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.

   Every scary movie, for the rest of our lives, needs a scene explaining why no one has their cell phone.

   The only reason I know how many beers I drank last night, is because it was all of them.

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.

   Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.

   My girlfriend asked me "Team Edward? Or Team Jacob?" I yelled "Team Deathmatch!" And knifed her...

   People who say "money can't buy happiness" have apparently never used money....to buy a bag of weed : )

   Teach a man to fish and he'll be like "Cool, thanks!" Teach a woman to fish and she'll be like "You're doing it wrong."

   Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn't answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.

   It's so cold out the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks to blow on your hands.

   The recent break up of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez has left a void in my list of things I don't give a toot about.

   These spaghetti-o's taste like I don't get paid until tomorrow.

   You can do better than you ever thought possible when you stop looking at others progress and be your own competition.

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno.

   Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob so nothing else is important anymore.

   Never punch a person with glasses, unless they're wearing just the frame with no lens. In that case punch the crap out of them.

   on't name your bong after a woman, because we all know it's wrong to hit women.

   Summary of everyone's Facebook timeline: 1. born 2. things got worse