Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Oh crap... you said laser tag? I thought it was taser tag. Well hopefully that kid wakes up soon... sorry about that.

   In case you were wondering how desirable I am, I once won 2nd place in a beauty pageant. OK, it was while I was playing Monopoly but it still counts dammit.

   This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adult table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.

   Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'

   The best way to deliver bad news is a message frosted onto a cake. "You want a divorce?!" "Yeah, and a slice with a flower on it."

   My life's one long beer commercial.

   Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.

   Kick the tires and light the fires, Israel. No point in waiting for a supportive US president now. Go Nuke Iran.

   Relationships are fine, if you're into sober sex.

   Thanks to the economic crisis, bartending got upgraded from a job to a career.

   Knowing that you don't understand women is understanding women. Thanks Socrates.

   China is the only country that gets to have towns in just about every city in the world.

   The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer

   We need to come up with a medical term for that feeling that you get on a Sunday night, knowing that you'll be back at work for another week come Monday morning. And quickly, because I need to phone in sick for tomorrow.

   Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.

   My Ex once got bit by a rattle snake. After 3 days of pain and agony the snake died.

   I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved.

   WHAT? 10 TO 20!?! FOR SELLING HO HO'S ON THE BLACK MARKET!!! ... Whooooa, your honor, there has been a BIG misunderstanding here...

   My girlfriend just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time!