KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   I just need you here in bed with me so we can talk, and laugh, and cuddle, and sleep, and stuff…

   A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they're naughty.

   Why would you stay friends with your ex? When you get fired from a job, you don't stick around and watch other people do your job.

   Whenever I screw up at work I'm so glad I'm not a doctor.

   When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.

   The best way to tell if you just got your ass kicked and lost the fight? The cops run to him and the paramedics run to you.

   That thing where hypnotists snap their fingers and people fall asleep? Do they make that for kids?

   The loser contestants who come back to sing on finale shows suddenly look like escaped mental patients.

   When a woman says "I can't get laid" we all know she's just being damn picky.

   The world won't change until there's a tampon commercial where the girls are all curled up on couches and angrily drinking wine.

   Hey everyone storing up food and supplies 'In case of the 2012 apocalypse', if it happens, you're going to be murdered for that sh!t.

   If I'm ever resurrected after I'm murdered I'm going to be one vengeful b@stard.

   A great relationship is when you notice your girlfriend has just out-farted your record setting giant fart from 2yrs ago and all you think is ‘Oh my god she did it!!”

   If I ever go missing, put my picture on a bourbon bottle; no one I know drinks milk.

   Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.

   ‎"Till Death Do Us Part" should just be changed to "Till Sh!t Happens" during the wedding vows, coz people don't wait for “Death” anyways.

   I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”

   The best time to give kids advice is when they're still young enough to believe you.

   Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.

   Roses are red; foxes are clever. I love your butt; let me touch it forever.