Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep

   Super excited that bicycle seat sniffing season is already here!

   Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?

   Shout out to most of the Thundercats.

   Dear Non Smokers: You know we only blow smoke in your faces so that you will finally stop breathing, right?

   In this lifetime you either win the Triple Crown or you get tendinitis. You can't have both.

   Hey guys, my first time flossing today. Quick question, how do you put the teeth that fell out back in?

   It's hangovers like this that make me wish I had a Life Alert.

   If a girl got naked in front of me at this point , I'd probably jerk off out of habit, and fold her in half like my laptop when I'm done.

   One more foursquare check-in at McDonald's and Mayor McCheese gets to steppin'.

   Not saying I'm in dire need of affection but the next girl I date better be an octopus on ecstacy.

   Shoved my cat in the garbage disposal and accidentally wrote the new Skrillex album.

   Zombie Apocalypse? I'd like to give those Zombies a piece of my mind..

   Dear Liver: thank you for being a most gracious and forgiving blood filter. Love, me.

   Bath salts side effects include: hallucinations, delusions, erratic behavior, immunity to bullets and being a terrible kisser.

   promise, as a very white guy, to never say "Salt 'N Peppa" out loud.

   The effects that bath salts have been having give a whole new meaning to "Calgon · Take Me Away!"

   "Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my lumber so haul me maybe?" - Mexicans outside Home Depot.

   Its all fun and games till your both naked and someone is getting their face nawed on.

   I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as I shout at my man b00bs.