Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welp, James Welp

   Had a welp once, saw a doctor and got rid of it.

   Welp…??? really? Okay got it, you enjoy a good spanking.

   White Claw tastes like a canned fart.

   It’s 4/19 - don’t forget to put milk and cookies out for Willie Nelson tonight.

   Life is soup, I am fork.

   “See you in hell.” Are you asking me on a date? I accept.

   I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

   Starbucks bathrooms are EXCLUSIVELY for terrible diarrhea, right?

   was born a female. I identify as a female. But according to Tesco's sticky toffee pudding I'm a family of four.

   In 2009 an Olive Garden waitress told me to tell her when to stop grating cheese on my salad. As far as I know she's still doing it.

   Does putting ketchup on everything affect your credit score?

   I bet there is just a lot of awkward silence after a mime orgy.

   My business portfolio is a cigarette butt inside an empty beer bottle.

   Do they have a pregnancy test for immaculate conceptions?

   I think calling them maggots is insensitive... they should be referred to as larvasexuals.

   When we were young, we were given the impression that strangers would offer us drugs much more often than has happened in real life.

   Demonstrate how much you suck.

   Your meme-fu is weak and brings much shame to your entire clan.

   We thought that our ability for compassion made us human. Turns out, it was our ability to select each image containing a boat.