Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   glad to see that people all over are outraged over the death of Dillon Taylor, the unarmed white male killed by a black police officer. oh wait...

   I'm "flirting with strangers on the internet" years married.

   There is no biblical evidence that Jesus even knew how to parallel park. Letting him take the wheel seems a bit irresponsible.

   Mindset: Whatever happens happens

   You don't know me. You don't know my life. You don't know what milk to cereal ratio I prefer.

   Not today, people with initiative. Not today.

   Skiing is my favorite way of getting a head injury while freezing to death.

   I just deleted a text message without reading it so your voicemail doesn't have a prayer.

   Men that wear jean jacket's are making a statement... They're stating that they've lost hope of getting laid any time soon

   I think I may be getting harder to love.

   White privilege is being able to look at Ferguson and say "I should get off the Internet"

   "I understand your logic, but let's try to look at this more emotionally." - women

   Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it's a technical problem. Keep trying.

   Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you

   Why isn't a group of squid called a squad?

   "You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it

   anyone who enjoys pizza with pineapples probably beats up children and kisses with their eyes open

   anyone who sleeps without having one leg out of the covers is a threat to the national security of this country

   religion is basically believing that there's a guy who is watching over you if you give him some of your money on Sundays.

   so many bad things happening in this world at this moment like iggy azalea