Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guess what I did..I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.

   As a Social Networking Expert, I have evaluated your Facebook activity and your status updates. My conclusion: You are all crazy.

   I’m planning to adopt a dog soon..., it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

   Yep the relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   Dr says to her 80 year old hard of hearing female patient You look very weak & exhausted are you having 3 meals 3 times a day as advised? 80 year old Female replies I thought you said 3 males.

   Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

   Her: I want you to wreck my guts Me: *undercooks her chicken*

   Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

   Lotto Max is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

   The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

   Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

   Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

   Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.

   Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.

   Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

   If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

   A day without laughter is a day wasted.

   Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?