Funny Status Messages

   I think the people who own funeral homes should have digital clocks outside, counting down.

   The longest distance between any two points,, is the walking path of a 2 year old.

   North Korea's Internet is down. In even more shocking news, North Korea apparently has Internet.

   Recognizing Cuba, bastion of human oppression, is an insult to our noble allies in Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Yemen, Iraq, Pakistan and Texas.

   This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear..... I'm just fat.

   I think Tampax and Hershey's should get together and offer a super pack....

   I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an "I Heart Murder" t-shirt before I'd pick up a call from a blocked number.

   Figures... On the day I wear white underwear too…..........

   Someone is not a happy camper and should learn to appreciate how those guys are saving you the time to browse through twitter for the best jokes.

   I just learned that George de Mestral, the man who invented Velcro, died in 1990. RIP, George. RIP.

   Attention pretty girls. Right now, nice, ugly girls are getting laid so stop being such a b*itch…

   When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only shagged him to get something else out of him, but it failed'.

   A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

   My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'f*ck.' What the make love is she talking about?

   No Miley, Santa doesn’t have a "twerkshop"

   My friend is staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, which sounds really depressing, but I bet Mary and Joseph would have killed for that.

   So,,, One time, I walked around with a smart car stuck in my teeth for like 4 hours before someone finally said something to me

   i'll be live tweeting my colonoscopy today against the advice of my doctor and these nurses. And ok, here we go,,, OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH

   Zuckerberg has agreed to expunge the "Dictatators Suck" FB Page ~ Kim Jong-un

   I lost my "Shweaty balls" recipe. I'm sure I'll find it after I go to the gym tomorrow.