Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just wanted to wish happy holidays to engineers of the electricals. Your postt manage to survive!

   I made up a new drinking/card game. Its very simple to play, you simply draw a card and if its black you take a shot. Oh yeah, I call it Ferguson.

   I'm allergic to gluten free diets.

   I wonder if Patrick Swayze goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to make other ghost laugh.

   Google has found that Ouija boards are one of this year's most popular toys. You know, because it wasn't bad enough dealing with your LIVING relatives...

   Joyous Festivus to the rest of us. May your feats of strength be superior and your grievances be few.

   For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea's TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...

   I turned on my office light this morning....and boom....the news says North Korea has internet again, I don't think this is a coincidence

   This time of year there is always that one house that has like 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting at the North Pole with no survivors.

   No thanks I am not drinking alcohol for now. I am saving myself for Christmas eve.

   Today is the official day for guys to start Christmas shopping!!!!

   You can assume that, for the next 2 weeks, there is Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink.

   Herro? Time Warner????

   Someday scientists are going to discover the center of the universe and a lot of people will be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   There will be no more need to worry about being on Santa's naughty list........Obama shut down the coal industry

   If you tell me about your problems and I say I will pray for you, it’s just my polite way of saying fcuk off, you’re on your own.

   My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away

   Even North Korea has to wait on hold for hours to reach tech support in India

   My wife said she wanted a clean, fresh start in the new year. Merry Christmas babe, here's your Hoover.

   my mature level IS , I still giggle when singing about nuts in christmas carols