Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.

   It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. That’s why I don’t go out there. I stay in here where it’s a man-eat-chocolate-cake world.

   Every time this gets a like an NFL ref gets kicked in the sack

   Whenever someone asks if you're ticklish it doesn't matter if you say yes or no you're going to be touched. I tell them I have diarrhea.

   My smart watch is capable of displaying porn but no one thought to include image stabilization.

   Stop blaming the holidays....you were fat in August!

   Tony Romo should seriously consider committing a Felony, He would be a hell of a Quarterback in a Penal League somewhere I bet... Hell of a Wide Receiver too...

   It's not embarrassing that you're still writing 2014 on your checks... What you should be ashamed of, is that you still write checks.

   Sure hope someone in the stands knows how to do the Heimlich maneuver today in Dallas because there are going to be a lot of Cowboys choking

   Eve: I got an Apple... Adam:Ugh.. Eve: What?.. Adam: I thought we decided on Android?... Eve: The serpent said this was better.

   My current clothing style is a combination of "sh*t I'm late", "sh*t it's cold", with just a hint of "I'm too lazy to look socially acceptable for you losers".

   Be careful what you pray for: you just might get it. Kidding! Prayer doesn’t work.

   She lost me at, "I don't watch football."

   May the pillow be cooler on the other side ...RIP Stuart Scott

   No one will ever look at you the way I do.. .. .. But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window

   Now that I failed with this year's New Year's resolutions I can get on with the rest of it guilt free.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   I love the way my abs look... in the morning... when I suck in my stomach... and turn to the side... while squinting... and the lights are turned off.

   I'm a Mexican but not a "I'm driving around the city with out car insurance" Mexican..

   "What's a good kind of medicine to take for my health?" "I'm not sure. Hey there's Larry the Cable Guy driving a jet ski onto land. Let's ask him."