Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Paul Revere had a time capsule. They opened it up after a couple of hundred years, and guess what they found? A stack of love letters from Barbara Walters..

   On the TV this morning the weatherman said to dress warm if you're going outside. If you need a TV weatherman to remind you to dress warm, you've got bigger problems than the cold weather...

   Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.

   According to a new report that just came out, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. Or if you're an optimist every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level.

   If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

   I think it's Funny how people are hating on Romo when their team's QB is sitting on the couch watching him still play.

   Get back here you stupid b*tch so that I can love you.

   If you "like" a photo from 2013, you just announced you're a creepy mf'er.

   I got a lap dance from a midget stripper. I couldn't refuse the deal. It was half off.

   I just want to say how much I love my wife's inner beauty, core values, and soul. JK, she's smoking hot and loves to fcuk!!

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   Lindsay Lohan was recently diagnosed with a rare mosquito-transmitted disease called Chikungunya. And the mosquito was diagnosed with alcohol poisoning...

   Scientists have made a pill that tricks you into thinking your body is full. Unfortunately, it's filled with mashed potatoes and has 8,500 calories.

   A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.

   It's so cold out the guy at 7-11 has a towel on his head.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice.

   The wor$t thing about public media is you add every Tom, D!cckk, and Harry to the list of your friends, connections or followers.

   I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me, “Hey, we have four mutual colleagues in Linkedin." Can I come in?

   1 [on a test drive] Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants! Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats. Me: Does it have napkins?

   Chick called the cops on me cause she opened her closet and I handed her a shirt. This why chivalry is dead