joser Funny Status Messages

   Biggest trade to date: Lakers to trade Jack Nicholson

   Monday has been calling me and just breathing heavily into the phone until I hang up...

   A trip to Wal-Mart is all the proof I need that ugly isn't an effective means of birth control

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.

   I'm all out of tea and sympathy. How about some coffee and you f*cking deserved it?

   I have a chip on my shoulder(Cool Ranch Dorito)

   The 186th rule of Fight Club is there is no such thing as a male BFF...!

   If I threw all my problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, I'd grab mines back...

   In Amsterdam, everyone rides a bicycle and no one cares how excited you are to buy marijuana.

   A recent survey showed 65% of Americans can't name a single Supreme Court justice and that's sad because HELLO Judge Judy.

   My life is proof that you can party as a profession.

   Waldo's bangin' Carmen Sandiego right now. Somehow, despite all the odds, they found each other.

   If people who shop at Walmart, "Save Money. Live Better." Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   When I was a kid games taught us a valuable lesson. Like "slapping a hippo on the @ss will make him eat". That's important sh*t!

   The FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working.

   Life would be easier if Kleenex just made shirt sleeves.

   If idle hands are the Devil's Playground than Facebook is a full blown amusement park.

   Just tending to my rock garden, seeing if I can get a statue to grow.

   My super power is finding out about really cool sh*t after it happens.

   Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.