doc noland Funny Status Messages

   Hey girls, Please stop stabbing each other in the back. You're giving real women a bad name.

   Just pounded 2, 5 hour energy shots... Rap battled a stutterer, Lost... Played M.J. Fox at jenga. Lost... Played patty cake with E. Honda, Win!

   "Yeah. I wanna watch you rub your clot while you duck me. I live that, baby." - I'm done with autocorrect.

   I don't understand why so many of you are unhappy. They sell vodka where you are, don't they?

   Ranch dressing is too a pizza topping! Open your mind-hole and stop hating on deliciousness.

   I know I really like someone when I can listen to them talk about pooping and not get grossed out. Apparently, I don't like this girl.

   Erectile dysfunction starts with small talk.

   Cookie dough flavored vodka? Ugh. Stay out of the bar Mary Poppins.

   Somehow ended up falling asleep reading about plant sexuality last night. Gotta watch out for those polygamodioecious ones. Freaks.

   Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.

   So lately I've started describing myself as OPPOP. That's the opposite of popular and no, you may not use that.

   If you don't remember pushing "6" three times to get the letter "O", you're too young for me to text with.

   Only God can judge me, and my neighbors. And my friends. And Family. And random drivers while I lip sync "Call me Maybe" while on the Interstate.

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half the movie as my idea about Bill Clinton destroying beavers.

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half as good as the movie I just made up about Bill Clinton beaver Destroyer.

   It pours the Whiskey on its liver or else it gets the hose again

   I'd rather take it doggy from Liberace on my grandmothers gravesite while Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth is playing than watch Twilight.

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.

   If your laugh in real life sounds like "Bwahahaha", guaranteed I won't be funny around you.