andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I would love to put out a comic labeled "For Mature Readers" that is just a heartfelt meditation on aging and mortality.

   Vacation to Hawaii? Meh. Paris? No thanks. Venice? I'll pass. Back in time to being 7 years old on a Saturday? YES, PLEASE!!

   Robin Thicke and Paula Patton are getting a divorce. I guess what rhymes with hug me is alimony

   Fun Fact Ladies: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.

   I always wrap someone's fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock

   Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome

   The great thing about waking up to 3 feet of snow is it gives me a legit excuse to skip my usual 5:30am 20K run.

   Having a bad Day? Remember there are folks who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

   The main message women seemed to take away from Cinderella is it's okay to take your shoes off when you go out.

   "Hippos are actually more dangerous than crocodiles and sharks combined." - Moron who clearly hasn't pictured a Crocoshark.

   You can never rule out the possibility that someone in your life is dead and you've been getting Weekend-at-Bernie'ed.

   No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.

   If you log into Australian Instagram you can see the bottom half of your sunset photos.

   Every 3-year-old have two speeds: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME and FACE PLANT.

   well I've already broken my New Year's resolution, which was to be the ruthless dictator of Belgium.

   When a financial adviser asks me my goals I'm embarrassed to admit that it's to ride a snowmobile on the moon

   Sorry I broke into your house, dressed your cat like Angela Lansbury, and filmed my "Meowder She Wrote" pilot.

   "This was the best football game I've ever seen!" -Guy who's never seen a football game.

   I stared into the abyss and the abyss was like, "Uh my eyes are up here!"

   All any of us really want is someone to be a Chunk to our Sloth.