StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   What did the elephant say to the naked man? I don't know how you manage to breathe through that thing.

   If my wife thinks making me sleep on the couch is a punishment, she's going to feel so dumb when she sees this badass fort I made.

   I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say "I ordered this damn thing a year ago!"

   Was visited by 3 spirits last night. Vodka, rum and gin.

   I don't smoke weed to escape reality. I smoke weed to enjoy reality even more.

   I'm so disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   I just high-fived a Jedi. Ok, it was an Ewok. Or a midget. I just slapped a kid in the head. Whatever. I wish I knew a Jedi.

   Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that's still available.

   Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!", he in fact did.

   Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips. Fml

   If you teach sex ed, it's good to tell kids the feelings they're having are normal, but funnier to single one out and mouth "Except yours."

   Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.

   It takes many nails to build a crib, but just one screw to fill it.

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

   I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been pounded more than the I in Pixar.

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   I say "do I smell popcorn" right after I fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.

   I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips...

   If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?