Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   All those years of saving and financial planning should get me through my retirement with relative ease. As long as the world ends on Dec. 21st.

   A lie is not nearly as bad as the insult to my intelligence.

   The awkwrd moment when someone waves in your direction and you wave back then you realize they were waving at someone else.

   When Shakespeare invented the word "swag" he did not intend for it to be used the way it's being used today. I guess that's why he also invented the word "assassinate" so we could kill people who misuse that word.

   My new GF: "Wow, look at all this beer you have in your fridge. You must love to drink." Me: "No, I just hate to run out of beer."

   Just a Friendly word of advice: Nobody want's to hear your ringtone. Unless it's "Hammertime", then let that it play loud.

   Instead of getting married, I'm just gonna cut through all the other stuff and just buy someone I hate a house, and give them half my stuff.

   Oh... you pay for Netflix and iTunes? I see you don't know how to really use the internet.

   Some girls seem to think that LOVE stands for Legs Open Very Easy!

   A woman in Wisconsin named her child Marijuana Pepsi Cola Jackson. Proof that Aliens will not be invading us, because there is no intelligent life on this planet.

   I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.

   Facebook makes me feel like I'm right at home. Nobody cares what I have to say over there either.

   I want to be rich enough to appreciate ugly art.

   People assume when I yawn that I've lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   I'm no relationship scientist but I think men prefer girls who make their dck hard, not their life.

   It's funny how some people are all nice and humble on Thanksgiving... Then less than 12 hours later flip like a light switch and start throwing elbows into people's throats to get a TV.

   I'm that guy that carries a boombox on his shoulder at funerals with "Circle of Life" ready to play in case a pregnant woman gives birth.

   Hey Australians, if you don't stop an end of the world status midsentence on December 21st to freak out Americans you guys are more mature than me.

   The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....

   I think if I ever win the lottery I'm gonna get all my ex girlfriends incorporated into a life size whack-a-mole game.