KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   Remember; It's always better to ask for forgiveness than for permission except when it's about @nal.

   Studies show that your chances of getting murdered drop down significantly when you STFU and mind your own business.

   You say, "I think we should see other people" like I haven't been doing so ever since we started dating.

   My girlfriend went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her "b!tch refresher course".

   If you can't love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.

   I am sure during sex, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian call out their own names.

   Remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship.

   I wonder if the female equivalent of the c0ckblock is the beaver dam.

   If you thought the waitress gave you excellent service, is a 20% tip appropriate? How about a slap on the ass?

   I love doggie style as much as the next guy, but sometimes she's just too pretty to do from behind.

   Some folks will spend the weekend having fun and enjoying themselves. We call these people "Single".

   You can be the ripest, juiciest and sweetest strawberry in the field, and there's still going to be some fool who hates strawberries.

   My favorite button on Facebook is the one that says “not now.” The world needs more buttons like that.

   The silence between my status updates is the sound of my real life.

   I'm not sure how many contact lenses I put in the same eye this morning, but I can see Saturn's rings from here.

   If coffee or booze can't fix it, then it's a serious problem.

   Arguing with a woman is like bringing a knife to a gun fight, then repeatedly stabbing yourself with it.

   Look, I only want what's best for me.

   If you love something, let it go... down on you.

   Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.