Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry I pushed you away... things were just going too well for my liking.

   I don't have children; I have hecklers.

   A chatterbox is just a regular box that won't shut the fcuk up.

   P0rn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

   As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it's important that you lower your expectations.

   If you look in the mirror in the morning and see cellulite,crows feet,saggy boobs and bingo wings.. Don't worry at least we know our eyesight is ok

   Fool the kids into thinking this will be the best Christmas ever by circling all the expensive stuff in the Argos catalogue

   "I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!"

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts

   [in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope

   on a first date I like to make women feel at ease by loudly and clearly proclaiming "I had nothing to do with Columbine" early on

   This might be the cocaine talking but babysitting your two kids tonight was the best experience of my life.

   Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.

   Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.

   If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you're doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.

   Doctor says I'm morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.

   I didn't come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.

   Taylor Swifts "Shake it Off" is about what her lovers did when they realized she was bad in bed.

   this trend that all girls hates the word moist is getting old.

   Want to have some fun with your kids? Next time you're driving with them and you see a dead Deer on the side of the road say "Uh oh! Looks like Santa lost his temper again."