Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey old people, you don't have to sign your name when you comment on a status. We know who said it.

   Just ate a salad with a dinner fork. #ThugLife

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the conversation by saying "Yeah, well I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   Manti Te'o's girlfriend confirmed that Brian Williams was on the helicopter

   If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, will Brian Williams still claim he chopped it down?

   Spider-Man is joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe...he will mate with Black Widow, and then she devours him afterwards.

   A cop pulled me over this morning but let me go. Maybe these man boobs aren't all bad after all!

   The only man in history to be called a jackass by the president of The United States is Kanye West

   To the guy who named Meatloaf, thanks for all your hard work.

   I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.

   I'm a real stand up guy, just so long as you are a real bend over girl.

   Not many people take kindly to me. I really like those kinds of people.

   My new girlfiend is taking FOREVER to exist.

   Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.

   According to this profuse bleeding from the roof of my mouth, I should have stopped at one bowl of Captain Crunch.

   All I'm saying is that Schwarzenegger isn't the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.

   "This just doesn't feel right" - me outside

   Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.

   Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.

   Went gluten free recently and I'm proud to say that after only 2 weeks, I'm already down 15 friends.