Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Summer: the time of year when parents realize just how grossly underpaid teachers actually are.

   I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...

   I think “be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

   Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.

   The BP president said that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, "Don't worry, my car is fine."

   Marriage is like a casino... You go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. Maybe that's why I get honked at all the time.

   I'm feeling adventurous, so I'm going to go to sleep and try to dodge Freddy Krueger. Wish me luck!

   There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours.

   I think that this morning, every side of the bed is wrong.

   My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

   Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

   I will always cherish the nice things I assume you are saying about me.

   I think that if that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better.

   The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.

   I think that God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die.

   I think that the trouble I have with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun.