Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   It's wrong that so many people get their daily news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.

   Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

   The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.

   What seperates the men from the boys is the price of their toys.

   I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.

   I'm going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.

   If you're friending me on Facebook ONLY because you want a nail or you have a lost cow in Farmville, the joke's on you! I play Mafia Wars!

   Two wrongs don't make a right, but they have the potential to become a pretty interesting Facebook status update.

   I'm peeved that the bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the trash. Worst roommate ever.

   I understand that good things come to those who wait. Might I ask just how long the line is?

   I think it's not the morning that's bothering me. It's the awakeness.

   Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.

   I wonder if the CEO of Classmates.com cries every time he sees the word "Facebook."

   A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

   I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

   Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

   I think that all I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   I appreciate the police escort, but shouldn't they be in front of me?

   Everyone is always asking something for a friend. Friends are the most curious, ignorant ba$tard$, aren't they?

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.