Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

   Dear Kellogs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerley, Tired Parents

   I may not be the brightest crayon in the toolshed, but I'm great at analogies.

   CVS Clerk: "Would you like a reciept?" Me: "Sure" *God uses two fingers to slowly close the eyes of an entire rain forest*

   JUDAS: "Still on for friday?" JESUS: "Friday?" JUDAS: "Yeah, you know, the Last Supper" JESUS: "The what?!?" JUDAS: "the Supper, just the Normal Everyday Supper"

   "I'd pap that" ~ Gynocologists

   PRO TIP: Keep your man's balls deflated so he won't be able to bounce them around the playground.

   For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.

   I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.

   If you hold your ear up to a Reebok Crossfit you can hear the sound of a 26.2 sticker being peeled off and put on a minivan.

   In Hell, the Devil reads you Power Point presentations word for word.

   The person who named the Whitehouse and the Pentagon probably named oranges too.

   The only thing in Dora's backpack is a kilo of cocaine and a map to El Paso.

   I believe Harry Potter is real. My faith in Him is unwavering. I can prove his existence by quoting from a book. Stop ridiculing my faith!

   Heard a guy use the word 'bae' on the radio today and had to talk myself out of steering into oncoming traffic.

   High heels are sexy, but only if you don't walk in them like you are a newborn foal.

   Another dissapointing day getting to work and not finding a smoldering crater where the building used to stand.

   I'm so broke I can't even pay attention, buy time, or change my mind.

   Why is it parents these days are more afraid of gluten than they are of vaccinations?

   Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 32, looking for some action!” I sent her my ironing, that’ll keep the b****h busy.