Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Picture this: Cee Lo and a T-Rex in a slap fight.

   You don’t have the right to say “the struggle is real” when your ass is still living with your parents.

   You’re dry humping my last nerve.

   You’re the “she” to my “nanigans”.

   Apparently both Bill and Hillary like private servers...

   Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.

   There are only three things in life that are certain: Taxes, Death, and people's belief that anyone cares about the weather where they live.

   "No, I will not pick up that tiny piece of paper or that clump of dog hair. Hey Look!!!! A Sock!!!!" ~ Vacuum cleaners

   Your Apple Watch gets email. You can send texts. It has a corkscrew, nail clipper, tooth pick, scissors, tweezers, a compass, and if you put it on the floor and stand on it and it will tell you how much you weigh.

   Someone put a Taylor Swift tape in my Teddy Ruxpin and now he's writing a song about Fozzie

   My dog drinks from the toilet. You might say he has a potty mouth.

   I don't consider them one night stands. I prefer to call the auditions.

   We Want Top Gear Back Now

   I don't care how Hillary sends her emails as long as she doesn't start sexting.

   They said they manage their money well, the fact that your tax return is gone after 2 1/2 weeks determined that was a lie

   I did not have communications with that phone

   Hillary has been sending me sexual explicit emails for years. . .

   I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out... Well, at least it tasted like a taco salad.

   Whatever, low battery indicator. You're not the boss of

   A man’s got to know his limitations....... Unless he’s in a relationship,, then he’ll be constantly reminded.