Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1660 of 6384
It's time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it's over
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12-27-2014 07:54 by flinnie
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Reading new book: Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury
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12-27-2014 07:48
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Everyone hates planes babies are just honest about it
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12-27-2014 07:46 by flinnie
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Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make introductions
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12-27-2014 07:37 by huck
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if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
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12-27-2014 07:33 by flinnie
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Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer
my anaconda wants what the heart can't have
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.
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12-27-2014 07:16 by huck
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a guy on Maury found out he was not the father and said "it dont take blood to be a daddy" but actually it does. all dads have to have blood
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12-27-2014 07:12 by flinnie
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"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
"I don't see color." - A person who shouldn't eat snow
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12-27-2014 07:03 by huck
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Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.
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12-27-2014 06:59 by flinnie
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SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
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12-27-2014 06:58
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"You're a tall drink of water." "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."
"Detectives, we have a grisly murder whose investigation will be most likely result in being killed. Who's one day away from retirement?"
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12-27-2014 06:54 by huck
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People using "obtuse" in a sentence think they're smart by using a $.10 word. Really, they only know it because Shawshank is on TV weekly
If you’re ever in a swordfight, don’t swing at your opponent’s legs, because (a) he’ll hop over your sword, and (b) what are you doing?
the who thing between U.S.A and North Korea over the movie the interview is basicly the plot to South Park bigger longer and uncut
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12-27-2014 06:00
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I wish I had half the optimism of couples that get each other’s name tattooed on their bodies.
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12-27-2014 03:35
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