Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.

   A North Carolina waitress was fired for complaining on Facebook about a small tip she received. A lesson to all servers who like to post online complaints: write them where they'll never be seen — on MySpace.

   Nothing improves creativity more than a lack of supervision.

   I try to be tolerant but then other people go and mess it up.

   Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

   I'm thinking that the only good mornings are the ones that start in the afternoon.

   The first few people to join Facebook must have felt like pretty big losers.

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time it's hard not to think to yourself... "I've licked your daughter's nipples."

   Irony is people complaining about Facebook's privacy settings when every other update is about their weekly visit to their gynecologist.

   I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they're alive?

   According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes... and women say the first thing they notice about men iss they're a bunch of liars.

   I almost landed a huge fish when my line snapped. It was a reel disappointment...

   Everything is funnier when you aren't allowed to laugh.

   I'm wondering why the phrase, "It's none of my business" must always be followed by, "but?"

   Do fathers who live in barns say to their kids "Open that door! What do you live in a regular house?"

   When you have a good imagination, you can make up all the facts you want.

   if you can't say ridiculous things with a straight face, there's probably no room in management for you.

   I think that good friend is worth pursuing, but why would a good friend be running away?

   My motto is "never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.