Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's Earth Day. I love the earth. There is something about the Earth that makes me constantly gravitate towards it.

   If quitters never win and winners never quit, who came up with "quit while you're ahead?"

   A recent survey asked some people if there are too many illegal aliens in the US. 23% said yes. 17% said no. the other 60% said, "no habla ingles."

   if you love something let it go, if you don't love something definitely let it go. basically, just drop everything, who cares

   My ex is great with a pole.... I have the bruises to prove it

   According to a recent study, 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. And according to the same study, 67% of pets say "Why won't this crazy woman shut the hell up?"

   the government can record anything anytime from your cell phone camera. They have a lot of footage of me pooping.

   How many days prior to Easter is the correct time to post a silly status about the Easter Bunny coming??? ... asking for a friend.

   Anyone had a bottle of Evian lately? Tastes a little plane.

   If I had the cure for ebola, gamestop would buy it from me for $4.50..

   When I'm all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I'd never let that scenario become a reality.

   I'm at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage

   Know what goes great with vodka? Me.

   "There's strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.

   They say you should never brush your teeth before oral sex. Seems kind of unsanitary doesn't it?

   Lately, more airplane passengers have been killed by intentional acts of pilots than by terrorists...seems to me that the TSA is scrutinizing the wrong people.

   If you're a woman that plans on visiting Halas Hall later this year, I suggest you use the stairs

   It looks like One Direction is headed in another direction

   Dad, what's it like to be in a relationship? Well son, remember how I taught you chess? Where the King can only move one space but the Queen can go anywhere she wants?

   I think winners should aspire to gather more than just a chicken dinner.