Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records," "blood bath" and "shallow grave."

   Crapchat instead of Snapchat... if you are into that kind of thing...

   Colts player busted for Rape charge....thats it, no joke

   "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."

   So this year I decided to fill out my own tax return, and guess what ... I'm getting back 4 million dollars!!!

   "Scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages." They’re calling it “Religion.”

   Finding a girlfriend isn't difficult...Finding a girl that you WANT as a girlfriend is where things get tricky.

   One of the most difficult jobs in the world is being a mother. If done wrong, you could ruin someone's future......NO PRESSURE!!!

   Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages. They’re calling it “Islam”.

   What's the difference between a Mu$lim and a vampire? At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

   European oral cancer patients are rising at an extremely fast rate. Why you say? They are having the type of cancer which commonly occurs in female gentalïa. Calm Down on those disgusting practices

   Females are crazy. You can text your girl "Sweetheart I got those Paris tickets you wanted. My friend Sarah hooked me up" And the only thing she saw was Sarah

   I would love to put all the girls I slept with in one room to see if they can figure out what they all had in common

   Me: My butt fell asleep sitting on the toilet. Wife: Yeah, I know. I heard it snoring.

   Seriously Ladies, stop it with the surveys to see what kind of baby animal, book character, southern belle, princess warrior, superhero or dog you are. Just be a fk’n normal human!!

   She lost me at, "that's cray cray!"

   Somebody stop the planet, I want to get off!

   Unless you from another country... if you ask me for my "KIK" rather than my phone number - I'm going to assume you are a serial killer.

   If you don't believe in oral sex....then keep your mouth shut!

   If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie, have some drinks, talk" and actually watch a movie, chat and drink, then you're a failure as a man…