Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I eat ribs it looks like there was a BBQkkake party on my face.

   What do we want?!? GOOD DECISIONS!!!!! When do we want them?!? BEFORE LAST NIGHT!!!!

   It doesn't matter how hard you thought out those vanity plates, bro. All any of us read is 'imma douche'

   I'm thankful for the people who have the make of their car across their windshield, I've always wondered who made your '97 Civic

   My Asian friend cannot believe I've never seen "Roarest Rump"

   Some serious smack talk in the office today going on between Indian and Sri Lankan Cricket World Cup fans if anyone is wondering what its like working in IT during March Madness.

   Today is national Happy Day. Off to the liquor store I go.

   The KKK and Black Panthers are in line at Starbucks--Barista

   She's all that and a bottle of vodka.

   I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.

   If love is a battlefield then I keep dying in basic training.

   Oh I can't, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

   A lot of my problems seem to start by waking up in the morning.

   Free weed > free drinks

   This dualing piano bar would be more enjoyable if I actually got to watch 2 pianists fight to the death like I had orignally anticipated.

   What's the opposite of carpe, because that's what I'll be doing to the day.

   Teaching my 9 year old to sew. She'll make a great wife in 1897.

   What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.

   I ate so many chips I pooped an Eric Estrada.

   If a tree falls in the woods, but then just pretends to be tying its shoes, do the other trees notice?