Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just going to flip the omelette now. Annnnnnnndddd, now I'm having scrambled eggs.

   McDonalds delivery is not yet a "thing" b/c there's no way someone could deliver my big mac without eating some of my fries along the way

   I take solace in knowing that somewhere in a parallel universe my life is spiraling into control.

   My blood type is B Positive. The irony isn't lost on me.

   Last night while having pasta, the lid to the parmesan cheese came off and way too much parmesan cheese spilled onto the plate. I learned an invaluable life lesson from this experience. There is no such thing as "way too much parmesan cheese".

   You aren't a food "Food Blogger", you're a "Fat ass with a laptop"

   “Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.

   Just found out Bob Ross was once a military sergeant and now I'm picturing him yelling LOOK AT ALL THOSE HAPPY LITTLE TREES, MAGGOT

   The only reason people hate Nickleback is because they HAVE heard them play. Nickleback's idea of rock is like Avril Lavign's idea of punk - or Will Smith's idea of rap.

   LIFE HACK: hide a hot dog in your popcorn to give your date something to play with while you enjoy the movie

   Not today man, the last time someone aksed me a question I lost my wallet

   Why is KFC removing the trans-fat from their menu? Because they want that Variety bucket to pad people's ass without clogging their arteries!

   This has been the worst Monday since last Monday.

   If a ram is a member of the sheep family,& a ass is the member of the horse family,why do they refer to a ram in the ass a goose ?

   How is McDonald's delivery not a thing yet? I can order a wife from another country but I can't get someone to bring me a Big Mac?

   “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

   The hardest part about being vegan must be having to Instagram everything you eat.

   Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.

   I just yelled, "Hey, sit still! You're getting blood all over the car" if you are wondering how I earned my "#1 Dad" mug.

   Remember when our kids got sick we had to pick up the phone and tell all our friends? No! You don't because nobody did it. So knock that crap off Facebook.