Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it always "did you drink all of the beer", instead of, "hey thanks for cleaning out that drawer in the refrigerator"?

   Great news everyone...According to this pregnancy test I'm just fat!

   You people can keep blaming your weight/waist or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself or others. I was fat in August!

   You can think before you speak if you want to. I prefer to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

   People who have never had a suicidal thought have probably never touched a wet public bathroom door knob.

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a great new twist to a rather boring practical joke...

   Wouldn't it be ironic if you found out you were conceived on a pull out couch?

   When one door closes you open it back up...That's how doors work.

   The money I'm saving by not having a girlfriend on valentines day will most likely be spent on booze to help me through these trying and lonely times.

   Sometimes I just look at a person and think seriously,that's the sperm that won the race.

   "Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time.

   If the Seahawks win the SuperBowl XLIX It'll be amazing how the world will not give a fcuk.

   The Packers did a discount double choke on Sunday

   The camel called. He wants his toe back.

   Facebook closed for MLK Day??

   Why is that people who always demand respect have done the least to earn it?

   People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn't give a $#!t.

   My wife gave me a coupon good for one blowjob on my birthday. I redeemed it with her friend Betty.

   Apparently the Patriots win was more deflating to the Colts than first thought.

   Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don't want to go to prison.