Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, instead of trying to change every guy you date, how about you just change your own fcuking expectations??

   Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing, to let me know when I am wrong.

   It's weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.

   Hot women are in one of two categories: They're bat$hit crazy or they have the herp...

   those E-cigarettes plug into USB so when they run out of their fluid & get empty have they been "formatted"?

   Wait?? The NSA's "Facial Recognition" software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending maching at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner?

   I don't think you're supposed to use the pressure treated lumber to plank your BBQ salmon,,, but girl, your trailer looks nice

   If Spiderman really got bit by an actual spider, how come he don't shoot webs out his butt like a real spider?

   Kid: How come dinosaurs are extinct? Me: Because Noah put two gay dinosaurs on his ark.

   Bruce Jenner comes out as a transgender Republican and trolls on both sides suddenly don't know how to direct their hate.

   Listen,,, Anything can be cereal, if you have enough milk.

   what if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside

   [first date] her: so, tell me about yourself! me: well, I'm not good with dates her: but you're doing fine! me: christmas is on september 3rd

   Listen buddy I don't come down to the Being A Stupid Piece Of Sh*t Factory and tell you how to do your job

   Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being funny or if I'm just unbelievably depressed

   I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.

   [judge at restaurant] "I will try... the lobster" [2 hours later] "I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"

   Bruce Jenner? Never heard of her...

   i only have 1 question for Bruce Jenner. after he becomes woman, will he change his name to "Jenny Brucer" ?