Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   Diamonds are a girls best friend. They last forever. Dogs are a mans best friend. They age faster than humans and lick their own ass! Any questions??

   Anyone fancy a 68??? It's like a 69 except you go down on me and I owe you one!!

   I have kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I take something for it.

   There's plenty of room for all God's creatures... right next to the mashed potatoes.

   What is this world coming to?! Who names their little girl Justin? Mrs. Bieber you have some explaining to do!

   Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

   In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

   Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

   If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

   This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it's an educated one.

   Everybody starts out with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before the luck runs out.

   My Foot + your teeth + Contact at a high velocity = Awesome

   I Dont Care if he's a werewolf, its snowing, and the least he could do is put on a f*cking shirt!

   I took my girlfriend to see the new Twilight movie today. It was bad. The Gulf Of Mexico is in better shape than that movie's plotline.

   When your a standup comedian your not going to make everyone laugh. When your up there on stage half the audience should be laughing, and half the audience should be horrified.

   Wikipedia has its own wikipedia page. Can you say redundant? If you have to wikipedia wikipedia, you have no buisness being on wikipedia.

   I was blinded by your beauty, so I am gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes...