Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many blacks does it take to start a riot? Minus one.

   I see a couple of police cars were wrecked during last night's riots in Baltimore. Rather short-sighted of the black community, ruining 1 of their methods of public transport like that.

   In Heaven, donuts are glazed on both sides

   This is a lousy dating site.

   I really like the people who say; "60 is the new 40" because I know if I borrow $60 from them, all I have to pay back is $40.

   Guess I guess I should get out of bed this morning, this world isn't going to dissapoint itself.

   Thus far, I have seen no benefit to growing up.

   "Cigarette butts are completely natural, bidegradable, and are in no way whatsoever litter" ~ Smokers

   Sorry your son is so good at cheerleading. I guess that's just the downside of naming him Bryce.

   Headed to the gym, and then to Taco Bell because I like to keep my body guessing if I love it or hate it.

   Getting old means half the fun for twice the hangover.

   "I'm gonna rearrange the alphabet and put "U" and "I" together" ~ Christopher Latham Sholes, inventor of the QWERTY keyboard and only player not totally full of crap.

   Giving me a Miilkbone after sex does not make it "doggy style"

   Sparklers, the turkey bacon of fireworks.

   Just walked into Walmart with a haircut I didn't do myself and they just made me their king.

   I wish I carried myself with the smug, all-knowing arrogance as people who've read all the Game of Thrones books.

   "I spent our entire relationship trying to change the man he was all the way until I broke up with him for not being the same man I met and fell in love with" ~ Women

   The new Muppet TV show will be a little more "adult" than previous versions. For instance, they'll actually explain the significance of Gonzo's nose.

   Ripley's Believe It Or Not says it's just a myth that humans only use 10% of their brains. Unless they're Kardashians.

   Actress Elizabeth Olsen recently said it doesn't hurt your career to appear nude on screen. You listening, Megan Fox?