Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Does Facebook ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I don't care who changed their profile picture?

   KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.

   Rule of thumb when hitting on co-workers... if you're cute, it's flirting. If you're not... it's sexual harrassment.

   I hate those ambulances that drive really slow with with their sirens on. There's one behind me now. So annoying.

   I signed into Facebook so I could find out where all my friends will be this weekend. I now have a list of places to avoid. Strategery, folks.

   If love is blind, and hate is deaf, you would think stupid would be mute and yet she just keeps on talking...

   I bet you're one of those people who take speed limit signs seriously.

   I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"

   If at the end of your life you have no regrets, you did it wrong.

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

   I've been embraced by reality... does anyone know how to make it let go?

   I've invented a new low-intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.

   Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

   Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   My job on Fridays: Working just hard enough that the screen-saver doesn't come on.

   Why is it that the people who tell you to relax are almost always the source of your anxiety?

   Facebook is becoming the grown-up version of the "Do you like me? Yes. No. Circle one" letter we passed around in grade school.

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...