flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.

   Saying "with all due respect" lends gravitas to the massive pile of disrespect you're about to lay down.

   Don't tell secrets near a grape vine.

   Tried to make a list of goals today, but it got kind of sad after the first 12 all ended with "and then get some Dairy Queen."

   I invented an app that detects your proximity to an obstacle as you walk and text, then takes your pic on impact and posts to Instagram.

   I sing in the shower. I think I sound pretty good. The other people in the gym don't agree

   Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

   I never root for a mime or a guy with a chain wallet to walk it across the street successfully.

   Fun idea: empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Freaks out snooping house guests.

   When the zombie apocalypse happens, I'm going to blast Michael Jackson's "Thriller", while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.

   If I ever put stuff in storage I'm going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.

   Hurt my back while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   Somebody needs to invent an alarm clock that releases the smell of bacon.

   For those of you who don't know me, we haven't met yet.

   I wonder if that guy that got "mind strangled" on the Death Star ever reported Darth Vader to HR.

   When he was my age, my father had three kids, owned two businesses and a house. I can't even pull that off in 'The Sims'.

   Hoping it's gonna be the kind of day when I take a book out a bookcase and it's a lever that revolves into a secret room.

   I feel bad that God made you so stupid, but no, I'm not doing extra work to keep you from looking bad.

   I once met a guy who wrecked himself. He was always bummed he hadn't checked himself first. So sad.

   I wish I loved anything as much as people in yogurt commercials love eating yogurt.