StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.

   I think my Nintendo Wii character is depressed from my lack of playing. When I logged on he had a full beard and had a Nickelback shirt on.

   I bet Rihanna will be on the cover of Chris Brown's greatest hits CD.

   I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

   Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

   "Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

   Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.

   When they hand me my napkins at the drive thru, I reach for them, while pretending to masturbate, and shout "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

   You know you're getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.

   When I get a headache,I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children,just like the bottle says LOL!

   1920: "May I have this dance?" 1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?" 1980: "What's your sign?" 2012: "Here's a picture of my pe**s."

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.

   My dream is to wake up to 2 girls. One will say "good morning sweetheart" and the other will say "good morning dad"

   My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.

   Meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Wednesday because this is bulls**t."

   Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim is pregnant, but deep down he knows Beyonce had the best baby of all time.

   I stopped believing for just a few minutes. Now Journey is all pissed at me.

   Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.

   Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?

   Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.