Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   - You don't update your stat us much anymore. "I know" - Why? "I don't know" - Is everything alright? "Can't You Just Be Happy for Me!?"

   Do you know what keeps me up at night? Knowing some of you guys are real.

   Ladies: Nothing says "B*tch Don't F*ck With Me" more than, tucking your tampon behind your ear like a cigarette.

   How much longer do you guys think Renée Zellweger can hold in that fart ?

   Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   Dear Dude, who's slowly walking towards me at the park bench, dragging his one leg and can't keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a zombie.

   Say "cheese!" cuz I want you to look like a complete idiot in this picture.

   For sale: one toilet, one toilet seat and one roll of toilet paper. Because I just don't give a sh*t.

   it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker....I mean, come on, seriously!

   If I ever get a vasectomy, I'm going to ask the doctor if they can make it so that, everytime I ejaculate, a little flag pops out that say “BAM!”

   I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light-bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.

   LOL at all these losers on Facebook on a Saturday night. I'll be here all night.

   THERE'S A TECHNIQUE IN LOVE: We follow the rule "Love one another" and if doesn't work, just swap the last two words, "Love another one"....

   Most of you like waking up in the morning..... to see the "com ments" and "likes" that your sta tus received. I like waking up in the morning....... to see.... WTF I po sted!

   MMA would be way better if it was two people who'd never been in a fight before and done zero training.

   If Apple and Microsoft weren't competing to see who can make the best phones and tablets, we would already have flying cars and Jet packs by now.

   Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide next month, simply because they believe the world will really end. On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world's average IQ will be come January.

   Bill Gates made his name in software. Richard Branson made his name in air travel and media. Donald Trump made his in property. I made my name in Campbell's alphabet soup.