KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.

   Quick, die! I'll explain later.

   Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.

   I love it when a girl tell me she is not a slut and then 2-hours latter I've got her feet behind her ears while screaming my name.

   Rub her the wrong way and she'll scream AT you. Rub her the right way and she'll scream FOR you!

   It's called ''Honeymoon'' because sooner or later, you wish you were on the moon far away from the devil disguised as ''Honey'' you just married.

   Now is the later I avoided earlier.

   What happens on Facebook stays on Facebook, forever!!!

   I don't need your permission to correct you if you're wrong.

   Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

   I'm surprised more workplace violence isn't motivated by the vending machine's refusal to accept a dollar bill.

   The only way I could get any lazier right now would be to die.

   Polygamy sounds great until you realize you have to keep all the wives happy.

   Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.

   Coffee is like an engine starter; you might be powerful, but even a jet engine needs a starter.

   Why the hell has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?

   I have absolutely no problem telling my boss to go screw himself when he isn't here.

   I wish STD's on all people who still say YOLO.

   A walk of shame is always sad. Don't make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

   Preferred sexual position depends on your partner's breath; therefore, doggie remains the favorite for morning sex.