Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For every illegal that crosses, we send 2 nigs back. Mexico will build their own wall in about 2 weeks.

   The secret to a happy marriage is knowing how to strategically hide the empties in the trash can so they have no idea how much you drank last night.

   My mom always told me television would rot my brain. But if it wasn't for commercials, I wouldn't know that 4X4 = truck.

   [sitting at table] Wife: writes number on pice of paper and slides it across. Me: Crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*

   If a vegan falls in the woods and there's nobody there to listen to them talk about being a vegan, are they still annoying?

   I didn't watch the Letterman finale because I've missed the last 17 season and didn't think I'd understand what was going on.

   My mind is telling me yes‎ But my body My body's telling me no...Me waking up for work every morning! ‎

   My life is loosely based on a true story.

   how long does it take possums to realize when one of them are actually dead?

   If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he's going to be Taken 4: Granted

   And BTW,,, I'm only two microwaves away from opening my own Applebees.

   If a bee manages to stay alive after it stings you, it's a zom-bee.

   A Coffee so strong,,, you make it more than halfway across the White House lawn before anyone even sees you.

   PRO TIP: Add 2 drops of lemon juice to your goldfish's water every time you change it, and you won't even have to season them before cooking.

   Lipstick shade idea: Netflix Red

   Does the name “Quasimodo” ring a bell?

   KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will bring Americans together today, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner....

   A new report says that 80 percent of sunscreens either don't work or have questionable ingredients. In a related story, I don't have long to live...

   I Got 99 Problems, But Bailing Out Baltimore & Ferguson Protesters Ain't One

   If seeing boobs while drinking beer doesn't put a curb to mid-day shoot outs, I've lost all faith in humanity