Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And BTW,,, I'm only two microwaves away from opening my own Applebees.

   If a bee manages to stay alive after it stings you, it's a zom-bee.

   A Coffee so strong,,, you make it more than halfway across the White House lawn before anyone even sees you.

   PRO TIP: Add 2 drops of lemon juice to your goldfish's water every time you change it, and you won't even have to season them before cooking.

   Lipstick shade idea: Netflix Red

   Does the name “Quasimodo” ring a bell?

   KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will bring Americans together today, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner....

   A new report says that 80 percent of sunscreens either don't work or have questionable ingredients. In a related story, I don't have long to live...

   I Got 99 Problems, But Bailing Out Baltimore & Ferguson Protesters Ain't One

   If seeing boobs while drinking beer doesn't put a curb to mid-day shoot outs, I've lost all faith in humanity

   Mexico is like America's basement; yea, it's a little dirtier, but it's a lot more fun.

   Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.

   My shirt has two button-down options: Uptight golf dude, or disco chest hair.

   Don't screw up your life; that's your family's job

   Ladies, the whole "Prince charming" thing doesn't exist. Settle for the guy who knows the difference between "You're" & "Your"

   I'll try not to post any Bruce Jenner jokes, she has enough problems trying to find size 13 double wide pumps

   Signed my kid up for Karate lessons 3 months ago and he still hasn't waxed my car once.

   "Hotel California" is really just a bad Yelp review with a 2 minute guitar solo.

   I was able to earn so much money for my Walk-A-Thon that I was able to take Uber instead.

   Treating others the way you what them to treat you is a great way to live your life. It may also quite possibly be sexual harassment...