Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1595 of 6384
Chemists tell great joke, but they don't get a reaction because all their people skills Argon. OMG... that's Sodium funny, right? NA? Okay.
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03-09-2015 11:52
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I don't think Bruce Jenner realizes that there can only be 5 Spice Girls.
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03-09-2015 11:50
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60 percent of the worlds population is female which means some of you are going to die alone think keep that in mind next time you get my text
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
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03-09-2015 09:43
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At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
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03-09-2015 09:42
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I was only "premature" in a medical and historical context. It was right on time from my perspective.
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03-09-2015 09:41
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There is so much caffeine and sugar in my system by 8am, that if I conceived your child at that moment you would have to name it Honey-Boo-Boo.
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03-09-2015 09:34
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His plams are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WEBMD: Pancreatic Cancer
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03-09-2015 09:32
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Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that automatically sends an email to your boss after you hit the snoze button for the third time.
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03-09-2015 09:29
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The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
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03-09-2015 09:28
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I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 married people high five each other because it’s positive.
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03-09-2015 06:50
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Girl: I’ll just have a salad. Waiter: and for you, sir? Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food
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03-09-2015 06:44
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If ever caught in the middle if a kung fu fight, I'm just going to lay down and pretend I was hit by nunchucks.
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03-09-2015 01:53
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This weekend seemed to go a little faster than most. :/
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03-08-2015 22:02 by M
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I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five each other because it’s positive.
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03-08-2015 14:49
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I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five each other because it’s negative.
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03-08-2015 13:43
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As soon as I get finished with this dozen donuts and gallon of chocolate milk, I am going to focus on losing the 20lbs I added this winter
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03-08-2015 10:09
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Adulthood is fun because by the time you're finally old enough to go out whenever you want you're too tired to do it.
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03-08-2015 08:34 by flinnie
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Just ate a half slice of cold pizza abandoned by my kid and wondered for the first time if I really AM Living My Best Life
Just what is DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME and Why are we saving so much of it? Why can't the time change kick in on a Friday at 4pm?
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03-08-2015 07:46
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