Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!

   Barbies only upset because Ken came in another box

   When my wife looks at me she still thinks "I'd hit that", but she is thinking about my face, not my body.

   Why is it a serial killer could be chasing a person thru the airport and no one would even bat an eye

   Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited

   I hate when I try to rob a bank through the drive-up window and my gun gets stuck in the vacuum canister.

   Prediction: Entourage will be the 1st non 3D movie in history to have its entire audience watch in sunglasses

   Sometimes I spend whole office meeting wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door...

   A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."

   Med commercials, stop with the side effects crap. I like to be surprised.

   Why didn't Spider-Man's enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?

   Yes, autocorrect, of course I intended to type "thou."... That is a perfectly reasonable guess. It is the 1600's after all.

   Wait?? What's the new etiquette rule,,, Am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

   Teen at Starbucks asked if I could take her selfie. I said that would just be a photo.... She's still blinking at me.

   Free the Glutens! They have never had a country of their own!

   My Saturday is going really good until I realized its Sunday

   "Twilight is upon me......and so might must fall, that is the way of things. The way of the force." -Yoda

   trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery

   *Puts condoms on store counter... Clerk: Do you want a bag?... No need, she's not that ugly.

   I don't care if two dudes get married but the first time I see them doing an ED commercial, I'm out!