Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1590 of 6446

Why is it a serial killer could be chasing a person thru the airport and no one would even bat an eye
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05-25-2015 18:58 by smeebert
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Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited
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05-25-2015 17:10 by snotty
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I hate when I try to rob a bank through the drive-up window and my gun gets stuck in the vacuum canister.
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05-25-2015 16:49 by snotty
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Prediction: Entourage will be the 1st non 3D movie in history to have its entire audience watch in sunglasses
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05-25-2015 16:48 by snotty
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Sometimes I spend whole office meeting wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door...
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05-25-2015 16:45 by mbugua
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A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
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05-25-2015 13:33
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Med commercials, stop with the side effects crap. I like to be surprised.
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05-25-2015 13:32
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Why didn't Spider-Man's enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
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05-25-2015 13:29
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Yes, autocorrect, of course I intended to type "thou."... That is a perfectly reasonable guess. It is the 1600's after all.
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05-25-2015 12:18 by snotty
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Wait?? What's the new etiquette rule,,, Am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
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05-25-2015 12:16 by snotty
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Teen at Starbucks asked if I could take her selfie. I said that would just be a photo.... She's still blinking at me.
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05-25-2015 12:14 by snotty
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Free the Glutens! They have never had a country of their own!
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05-25-2015 07:52
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My Saturday is going really good until I realized its Sunday
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05-25-2015 01:49
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"Twilight is upon me......and so might must fall, that is the way of things. The way of the force." -Yoda
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05-24-2015 22:53 by Cicci
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trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
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05-24-2015 22:40
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*Puts condoms on store counter... Clerk: Do you want a bag?... No need, she's not that ugly.
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05-24-2015 20:53 by snotty
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I don't care if two dudes get married but the first time I see them doing an ED commercial, I'm out!
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05-24-2015 19:14
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Steven Tyler's face makes me believe wholeheartedly in Evolution.
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05-24-2015 18:07
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How can a species that can splice DNA, Invented the interwebs, Star Wars & went to the moon........ STILL need signs in the bathroom to wash your hands?
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05-24-2015 17:38 by snotty
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What is the correct punishment for your child when they put the toilet paper roll on for bottom pulling instead of over the top? 1 week grounding? 2 weeks? Need some help here...
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05-24-2015 15:18 by Daveb1191
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