Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [writing my first autopsy report].. There was a slight mix-up initially but as it turned out, this guy actually died from an accidental autopsy

   Day 44 without eating an apple,,,, doctors are following me everywhere. the police are powerless to intervene.

   What if I actually used to have a teenage son but his "I wish I was never born" wish came true after the fight we had when I asked him to take out the garbage? ...Take care son, Daddy loves you!

   Listen,,, "8 glasses a day" is a scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us dependent

   I don't like a sentence containing a word with first Capital letter in the middle of it. It has a clear bias.

   I injured my hip which is why I have thrust issues.

   Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpies. Then laugh all you want, but you'll still have herpies.

   I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn't where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.

   I called this family meeting because our DVR isn't big enough to hold 32 episodes of Micky Mouse Clubhouse and 8 soft core lesbo Cinemax movies.

   To save money, instead of going out to clubs, I just get drunk at home and yell "What?!?!?!" into a mirror over and over.

   I don't know what part of donating blood I like more, the free cookies or that I can get drunk faster afterwords.

   Instead of a tatoo, just get a KISS t-shirt and wear it every day until you die.

   "Come on down!!!! You're the next contestant on the Rice is White" ~ Asian game show.

   "I'll show you how moist I am if you eat me" ~ Brownies

   "Cum with me if you want to Liv" ~ Arnold Schwazenegger having sex with Steven Tyler's daughter

   Dayum girl... Are you a microwave, because you are warming me up and I bet you've had a lot of wieners explode in you.

   My U.S. citizneship was questioned because I wasn't out of breath after walking up a flight of staris.

   If you are having a bad day, just remember that someone from your home town is still trying to become a rapper.

   Some women wear so much makeup that it takes everything I have not to honk their nose.

   When I was your age, I had to walk 5 feet from the coutch to the TV, on fluffy orange carpet, without texting, both ways.