Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

   The hardest part about being vegan must be having to Instagram everything you eat.

   Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.

   I just yelled, "Hey, sit still! You're getting blood all over the car" if you are wondering how I earned my "#1 Dad" mug.

   Remember when our kids got sick we had to pick up the phone and tell all our friends? No! You don't because nobody did it. So knock that crap off Facebook.

   I bought an at home do it yourself a$$hole bleeching kit today...it said it contained enough solution to completely bleech one a$$hole...i thought I did it wrong,i was a little upset but i'm all white now

   Mandatory voting? Reminds me of saw a video I saw about a leader who forced people to do crazy stuff under his leadership. But it was hard to understand, the narration was in German.

   You haven't really made it until people start using your name as a verb.

   I would feel a lot safer if the drive-thru ATMs with Braille were located on the passenger side.

   I’ll apologize for being late to your wedding after you apologize for inviting me.

   I think the kids of this generation wouldn't have been so screwed up if they would have just stopped changing the way the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles looked.

   Adds you to my list "Burn everything they own" LIST

   "We need to talk" - Your Finances

   Ladies are forever saying "all men are dogs", but what they fail to realize is that dogs are loyal as fu¢k if you treat them right.

   "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter." "Vegan" is an old Indian word meaning "really lousy hunter."

   I'm extremely happy which can only mean that life is going to get real fucky here any minute.

   I'm at that age now that if I am at a bachelor party and a stripper jumped out of a cake I would worry that she will get hair on my peice.

   Don't be afraid to love again. Just kiddin. Be afraid, be very afraid.

   there anything on this menu with extra gluten?

   "I'm just a boy .. standing in front of a girl ... asking her to deep throat him" - best line from Nobbing Hill