Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?

   My internet is so slow, it would be faster to just drive to Google's headquarters and ask them this sh!t in person.

   This ban on texting while driving only makes things worse. Now I have to worry about driving, texting AND not getting caught texting.

   At least once a week, everyone should bike to work, so there will be less traffic for me.

   Oh I can see by your Four Square there that you just checked into Target. Be sure to notify us all when you check into therapy.

   Facebook has pretty much made it impossible to ever again say, "I had no idea it was your birthday!"

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.

   I'd much rather have a sex tape released to the public than a tape of me trying to run in flip-flops.

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of sh!tting on you.

   Don't focus on the one person who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog sh!t.

   Road rage and profanity: The breakfast of champions.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.

   Nobody is perfect, I am Nobody.

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   Bandaids come in two varieties. The kind that won't stay on and the kind that won't come off.

   All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.

   Ever wonder what your face is doing when you aren't paying attention?

   There are 2 versions of being broke... A guy version and a girl version. Girl version: They can still get their hair and nails done. Guy version: We will be looking like a gorilla and eating from the dollar menu until next pay period.

   Don't say "Can I be honest with you?" an hour into the conversation. It leads me to believe you've been lying up until now.

   They say spiders, bears and snakes are as scared of us as we are of them. They have an advantage over people, though. They're probably pretty damned sure people aren't going to bite them.