Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   According to WebMD my symptoms mean I died 3 years ago.

   I hope and pray for the day that seals become domesticated. I already have a saddle picked out for when I take mine for a walk.

   If I've learned anything from TV it's that kids will never be successful athletics or honor students unless I drive a minivan.

   It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook.

   I saw the new Facebook movie. Filling the theater with annoying people adds a realistic touch.

   American Gladiator sports such as the giant hamster rolling ball thing should be introduced at the next olympics.

   I think I just contracted herpes in my eyes from watching Jersey Shore.

   I can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

   Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"

   There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.

   This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in one month. It happens only once every 823 years.

   In certain cultures its illegal to look this good

   It's nice when a grocery clerk asks if I found everything OK, but if they really cared they'd have all this sh!t in the same aisle for me.

   Hooters needs to change its logo, all these years I thought I was eating owl wings.

   Why do people keep telling me I need a positive attitude? I'm already positive I have an attitude.

   ...is now awesome. earlier I was just pretty damn amazing :)

   You guys will NOT believe how much ice cream I just ate, but to give you a clue it was served in one of those orange construction cones.

   Febreeze should make a scent powerful enough to remove wtf is that awful smell, instead of just wtf is that awful smell plus Febreeze.

   The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.

   When I see a photo enforced traffic light, I pose and wave as I run it, tons of adoring fans at the county courthouse send me letters.