Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Uses selfie stick to push your baby away*

   Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

   I'm way too horny to be this unattractive.

   When I die people are going to be like "wait... I thought he already died like a decade ago?"

   I've met 10 people from my Facebook and only 7 of them tried to kill me or stick things in my butt

   Experience has taught me some pretty valuable lessons... Mainly, to always carry hush money.

   Has anyone ever noticed that they never actually tell us how to get to Sesame Street?

   I don't care of your skin color, sexual orientation, or social status. If you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you. End of Story.

   Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two..

   My cat likes to scratch on a wicker chair. She likely thinks it's her guitar. I sing along because I don't want her to feel stupid.

   I'm taking my two beautiful children to Disney World. I'm leaving the two ugly ones at home.

   I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.

   I signed up for eharmony and it keeps matching me up with local Baskin Robbins.

   Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don't like.

   I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kids meals cost $150.

   Religion is only 4000 years old and based on where you live. The world is billions of years old.

   Religion - the undeniably moronic belief that ancient horticulturists and sheep farmers knew more about the origins and workings of our universe than modern-day man could ever, even with all his scientific advancements.

   Love means never having to say you're happy.

   i think facebook just set a record for the longest period of time that they haven't changed anything around on us.

   I hate it when people ask me what I will be doing in 5 years. Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.