Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.

   Paper shouldn't beat rock -- maybe smooth jazz fusion or contemporary country, but that's it.

   "iPhone" is a really terrible name considering how much I use it as a phone. That would be like calling my bed iSex.

   Happiness is only a throat punch away.

   I know you are orgasaming, but I'm pretty sure God had nothing to do with it... so if you can maybe yell my name, that'd be great.

   Never go to a little leagure game with a #1 Dad t-shirt unless you are prepared to be challened to a Dad-off.

   Canadian Bacon is just like regular bacon, but it apologizie all the time about not being regular bacon.

   I'll vote for her, but only if Bill has to plant flowers and pretend to care about children's literacy.

   This Pizza Hut is so stupid. They just keep yelling, "SIR WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?!?!" over and over.

   "Daddy, what happens when you die?" "You get married and have kids"

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. One time, I lasted all the way through the opening credits of Game of Thrones.

   I'm a participation trophy wife.

   Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.

   Putting a lock on your moped is like putting your Crocs in a safety deposit box.

   Your profile says "DJ/Promoter-producer", so do you keep your full time job at the call center just to keep grounded?

   I haven't gotten a handjob in forever, but when I saw my wife beating a can of biscuits on the kitchen counter, I remebered why.

   Real frogs call him Kermit the Fraud.

   I call that ass "Snooze Alarm" so you understand why I'm hitting it so much.

   If you Google 'Big Bang Theory' the TV show outranks where ther Universe came from. Take that, existence!

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.