Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, I've been playing "Hide & Seek" at Ikea this whole time. That'd be me looking for the exit and the exit hiding from me.

   Job Interview Tip: Don't move in for the kiss too early or your potential employer may think you're only after one thing.

   Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.

   I’m pretty sure my dogs only sit in the window and watch me leave so they know when it is safe to sit on the couch.

   Since ISIS/ISIL is now setting up camps within 5 miles of the U.S. border, are they still a "JV squad?"

   Oh Good, the Aaron Hernendez jokes from two years ago are back.

   I wish I had Shazam for faces...

   The average toddler laughs over 200 times a day. The average adult laughs about 17. At age 42 peekaboo and I got your nose is just not as funny anymore.

   If your cat has a Facebook page, we can't be friends.

   Don't you hate it when you clean your house for the Police and they don't show up???

   If you listen to a Justin Bieber song backwards you'll hear messages from the devil. Even worse if you play it forward you'll hear Justin Bieber.

   You have just begun reading the sentence you have just finished reading.

   If Dave has 7 snakes and Greg gives him 4 more,,, what's with these guys and all their snakes?

   Aaron Hernandez, goes into jail a tight end, comes out a wide receiver

   Breaking news Roger Goodell has just given Aaron Hernandez a 2 game suspension.

   My favourite part of driving through my state,, is the four-mile stretch of highway that isn’t under construction.

   My five-year-old: “I don’t want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!” No two-week notice or anything. She’d better not expect a reference.

   People who pronounce ASAP with the individual letters aren’t pronouncing it as soon as possible

   The chest burst scene from Alien, but just me leaving work.

   A security staffer at Coachella put Justin Bieber in a chokehold. Fortunately, he's used to being overpowered by men from behind.