Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have nothing in common with people that think about work when they're at home. I don't even think about work when I'm there.

   Diet status: Discovered that a Pringles can fits exactly into the cup holders of my truck today.

   I like using those "family restrooms" because everyone can sit on the toilet together.

   Tomorrow's assignment: end every conversation with "Thank you for teaching me how to love again."

   Walk up in da club like YAY! I just reached my FitBit step goal!!

   Ask your doctor "if shutting the hell up " is right for you

   So I'm on my knees holding myself wondering why I asked that little kid a minute ago if they took karate

   Episode 21: MacGyver fixes his broken heart using nothing but a lighter, a spoon, and a syringe full of heroin.

   •_•) <) )╯Tee / \ (•_•) \( (> gee / \ (•_•) <) )╯eye / \ (•_•) <( (> eff / \

   I guess our first date went pretty much like most of them do. After some drinks, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. That was in May.

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   A blow job is just like a regular job excpet men love coming to it.

   A blow job a day keeps the "YOU SPENT HOW MUCH?!?!" away.

   This hooker is acting like this is the first time anyone has ever pulled a gun on her. What a newb.

   Of all the things I learned in High School, how to hide an erection has proven to be the most beneficial in my career.

   I never knew my mechanic was pshchic until he told me I blew a tranny in my car.

   Donald Trump is what happens when John Boehner bangs a llama.

   If we elect Donald Trump for president, there will be hell toupee...

   Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.

   I'm getting really tired of having to remind my wife she's happily married.