Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

   Rosetta Stone but for the THINGS I say when I'm drunk

   I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.

   A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber.

   That moment when you flex your foot wrong and it cramps, and you think “This is it…this is how it ends.”

   Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in you’ll disappear.

   Doctors only gave me three more months to live la vida loca

   My weekend mood fluctuates between “better get the lawn mowed before it rains” and “Hurry up and rain so I can’t mow the lawn.”

   I watch the Disney Channel, to get a sneak peek of Maxim's line up in five year.

   Last week, I had an update so bad,,, Nicolas Cage got cast in a movie about it.

   I’ve been training my facial muscles to do the nose twitch from 'Bewitched', and just had a huge breakthrough with the right nostril. Big day.

   Walked into a public washroom and it sounded like someone was power-lifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

   Some ducks landed on the grounds where I work yesterday. It was interesting to see them practicing teenage girls' faces.

   I'm was doing Bikram yoga today. By that I mean I was in the back of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to vacuum under the front passenger seat.

   You obviously did not see either Adama, Baltar, or Roislyn wearing glasses

   You ever wonder why eye glasses don't exist in the future? Star Wars? No glasses. Star Trek? No glasses. Battle Star Galatica? No glasses. No one wears glasses in the future! Something to look forward to.

   If one more person posts "The thrill is gone" or "The Edge fell off the edge" I'm gonna scream. #sheeple

   One more mood swing and I'll have the whole set.

   Older women are why I don't like younger women.

   Man at the dog park: Who's a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL???? Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*