Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.

   To the high school counselor who told me I'd never amount to anything: spot on, dude. You, sir, are a psychic.

   I just watched Bug's Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

   Go on Christian Mingle ONE TIME, and they have to perform an exorcism on the whole site?

   Cougars should be called eager beavers.

   Welcome to Killadellphia, no if ands or Bots!

   R.I.P to any girl that looks at Ronda Rousey's man the wrong way

   It's been an exhausting day of pretending I'm a pleasant person.

   R.I.P to any guy that ever cheats on Ronda Rousey

   The speed and graphics on Microsoft Windows 10 is gonna be SO GOOD we'll be able to down load twice the social anxiety disorders in HALF the time...!!!!

   I took my son to soccer practice for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of moms pulling up in 4x4's I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading." Then I saw them trying to park.

   Police ordered me to get out of my car 'You're staggering' said the officer .'you're not a bad looking f*cker yourself' I replied

   I'd last 34 seconds also with Ronda rousey

   Always be yourself. Even if you have to fake it.

   Relationship status - Ronda Rousey

   When does the rioting start in Memphis? Oh wait black guy killed a white cop. Nevermind

   Dear Hospital this chicken broth would be much better if it had noodles, corn and chicken in it.

   Happy Friendship day.. is much like.. Happy Friendzone day!

   There's a dentist in Minnesota that kills lions and bears. There's a football team in Minnesota that can't beat lions or bears.

   When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.