Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage vows should include no bringing up crap that happened 8 years ago.

   I Changed Siri to a male voice,, and now I can't get directions and most of the answers are wrong.

   Geno Smith sucker punched. Out 6-10 weeks. Apparently HE threw the first punch. It was intercepted!!!

   It's all fun and games until your picture is up at all the McDonalds drive thrus in your county. 31

   If I like your posted music vids ..99.9 % I never watched it..Sorry I can not lie...

   The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...

   I just got a new Epi-pen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it, for some reason.

   When parents on Facebook post about how they can't believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he'd be held back!"

   Jennifer Aniston has kept me in the Friends zone for years.

   - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

   The only reason the national nightly news is still on is to show all the new drug commercials.

   so they're growing their own vegetables on an International Space Station that cost billions of dollars and it's still cheaper than Whole Foods.

   Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I'm finally ready to start harassing people.

   When the morning hits your eye like a big smelly cow pie.... That's A-Mon-dayyyyyy......

   Thank God for yoga pants because I used up all of my imgination back in the 90's descrambling cable tv porn.

   If you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?

   I respect womens opinions until they say they're in a relationship.

   Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...I had to smash."

   The only exercise I've done this month is running out of money

   My biggest fear is meeting my soulmate in Arkansas and finding out she's a product of Centuries of inbreeding.